Dear hot guy at the gym whose got that 1980s Alec Baldwin look going on that I am powerless to resist, Imma need you to run a little bit faster. Because when you run at the back of the treadmill, I can’t see you reflected in the screen of the machine next to me, and it’s harder for me to fantasize about having sex with you to distract me from all of this running. Thank you.

THAT’S IT. In the past week I ate a billion chicken and waffle mini sandwiches and drank like a fish and now I have to lay down on the bed to get my pants on, I get winded running a block to the bus, my joints and muscles hurt constantly, I’m tired all the time, and the last few dudes who messaged me on online dating were hella nasty.

Tomorrow training mode begins in earnest. J-town Half is in three months. Two. hours.

I opened my kitchen cupboard under the sink to get a cleaning product and watched a little mouse hurry away in a panic. He probably thought I’d be upset to see him there. I just wanted to say to him, Hey. I ain’t mad, little fella. I just wanna know whatchu found good to eat in here, because I just ate a hot dog bun with barbeque sauce.

So I bought this iPhone, though I’m not sure how confident I feel in the decision…

Apple Store employee, who is not a cute hipster geek boy with glasses that I could hit on, as I was envisioning on my way to the store: “Would you like to look at cases? These things will break just like that if you drop them.”
Me: “Uhhh…”
This was before I purchased it, mind you.

I so wanted to find this Simpsons clip on YouTube, as it’s so appropriate, but I couldn’t, so you’ll just have to settle for the transcript:

Gil: D’ah, she’s a beaut’. You can’t beat a Coleco, eh …? How many can I put ya’ down for, a lot? Please say “a lot,” I need this.

Skinner: I dunno. I’m not even sure we can keep this one. It’s up to Lisa.

Chalmers: Whaddaya say, Lisa? Will you keep our little secret for the good of your classmates and your school?

Gil: And let’s not forget ol’ Gil, huh? The wolf’s at old Gil’s door. [Lisa looks around at Skinner and Chalmers who look back anxiously, and at Ralph, who is happily picking his nose]

Lisa: Oooh … I guess I don’t have much choice.

Gil: Aw, thank God! Now, let’s talk rust-proofing. These Colecos’ll rust up on ya’ like that, er … shut up, Gil. Close the deal … close the deal!

Should I do it? Should I get an iPhone and give it a try? Right now I’m between the iPhone6, Samsung Galaxy 5, and Sony Xperia. I’m not a fan of this weird cult of personality around Apple, but I want a nice phone that works really well for the basic things I do: communicate with people via talk and text (nice voice quality, no missed texts), use the Internet to read interesting articles and settle bar bets, take cool pictures of shit I come across on a daily basis, and use Google maps to not get lost. And it should do these things for the next several years without breaking.

I like my iPod a lot, but I find Macbooks mystifying and hard to use.

I’ve been phoneless all week, so if you texted or called, I didn’t get it.


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