While arranging one of my online dates for this week…

“I’m really nice and a good person whilst being rather attractive.”

o.O

Who says things like this? Jesus H. Fucking Christ. *slaps forehead*

I was thinking about this in the shower this morning, and I think it’s time I delete all of these online dating things. (I already deleted Tinder.) I feel like they’re just wasting my time, time that could be so much better spent reading a book or learning a new skill or pursuing a hobby.  I’ve never met anyone I really liked from them. Instead, amazing people just waltz into my life unexpected. The problem is that people tend to be waltzing at a slower pace than usual these past few years, (and the ones that have, alas *dramatically puts hand to forehead* were not so interested in waltzing with me) and I’m not really in a position where I”m meeting a lot of new people in general right now. So online dating gives me this illusion that this is something I can control, that I’m doing something about the situation. But I can’t, and I’m not.

I sound like a 16 year-old girl, and I hate that. I’m boring myself. I just feel antsy because this is the longest I’ve ever been single/celibate. It’s not shallow to think about this, is it? I’ve been having a good time for awhile and done some amazing things I couldn’t do if I were partnered, but now I’m ready for the pendulum to swing. Usually it swings before I’m ready, but here I am waiting for it. I’m not used to that. And I’m horny.

Apparently there are still things left for me to do.

But if it never happens for me, so what? Woe is me with my disposable income and my perfect health and my good job and my beautiful house and my family and friends who love me and my freedom to do whatever I please.

 

I feel better. Not…GREAT, but better. I ate a big dinner yesterday and today. (Sushi…which is always terrible and overpriced when you order it in, but I figured if it meant the difference between eating and not then I should go.) Showered and dressed and went to work both days.Wasn’t the most productive, but I went. I stayed up really late each night so I haven’t been getting as much sleep as I should. I ran a couple errands, though more than one at a time exhausted me, and that was okay. Went for a couple walks but no real exercise. I even reached out to a couple friends to say hello, and even agreed to two online dates that kind of fell into my lap. I don’t really care but didn’t really have any reason to decline, so whatever.

I’ve been doing a lot of that these past couple days. Not caring, that is. In a good way, I mean, in the sense that I’ve been releasing some of the things that have been bothering me. I can’t make people like me or want to be my friend. I can’t make men love me. I can’t change the past and do my career over again. I can’t make people want to rent my house. I have done the things that I can, and there’s not much left to do. And this is liberating, to release this idea of control, because you’re free from worry and your only obligation is just to be yourself and enjoy the moment, see the scenery, seize opportunity.  I also tried to get myself back into my post-surgery mindset. Who knew a broken jaw could be so zen? And I’m sure for some people it was no big thing: hang out for a few weeks and drink smoothies. But for me it combined all these elements that I struggled with: delayed gratification, patience (Recovery literally consists of just waiting for months for your bones to heal.), lack of control, restricted eating – not to mention the fact that my recovery was way more painful than I thought it would be and took much longer than I expected.

I had to get used to the sensation of having a desire and sitting with it without fulfilling it and not knowing when, if ever, it would be fulfilled. And that’s hard. So hard it’s the tenant of a damn religion. And I know it’s what I need to do to be happy.

It’s a good life if you don’t weaken

Wow. What an amazing and productive day I had. Hahahahaha, just kidding, my biggest accomplishments were putting on pants and moving from the bed to my couch. I also had a few brief moments of joy and lucidity, though given what precipitated them I’m not sure what my life has become:

  • My biteplate: When I was home last week I got a biteplate from my orthodontist to help with my jaw clenching at night. It’s working beautifully, and I woke up this morning with my teeth actually completely apart rather than clenched together like a vise. This may not sound like a big thing, but the clenching gives me killer earaches and was messing with my jaw joint, and I do it more when I’m stressed or upset, so I can only imagine how much I would be doing it now.
  • My upcoming trip to Seattle. I’m looking forward to a big change of scenery (the West Coast!) and spending time with two good friends, even though I’m not prepared for this race at all.
  • I decided to move to California. This should probably be a bigger deal than it is, but the freedom and sense of possibility the decision gave me was pretty momentary. Also I don’t mean like right now or anything. I’ll talk about this more tomorrow maybe.
  • I watched two excellent movies. I finally got around to watching Spirited Away and the Iron Giant. As for the former, I’m really glad I actually picked the dubbed version (I usually got for subtitles on foreign films) because I could concentrate on the gorgeous animation instead of reading. I’m not a fan of anime but this had just the right amount of weirdness – enough to make it magical but not nonsensical.

I had two opportunities to go out today and meet up with friends with food/drinks. I passed them both up. So I get an F for both social interaction and nutrition today. In fact I didn’t leave the house at all so F on that too. I did think about leaving the house twice, and I did text one of my friends back, so I guess maybe D- on those counts. I did eat some cookie dough today, which was a shitty choice, and drank lots of unsweetened iced tea, but like I said, I have basically nothing on hand, and for some reason the idea of ordering from Seamless made me feel guilty. I know I’m in trouble when I don’t think I deserve basic things like food or rest. Of course this was stupid, and it made me sick. I almost passed out today, which I don’t really get, as I did eat a whole box of macaroni and cheese with stuff put in it yesterday, and it’s not like laying on the couch requires that much energy. I also had a brief moment where I got that horrible face pain again, which filled me with dread. I haven’t had it in a long time. I think it’s mostly psychosomatic. Luckily it only lasted about 30 seconds and hasn’t come back since.

Let’s do the rest of the rundown.

Hygiene: Got dressed, though this was partially because I slept in some of my clothes (my shirt). I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth in days.

Crying: Minimal crying today. I’m not always necessarily sure that’s a good thing when it’s replaced by numbness.

Medicines/vitamins: A+ as always.

Sleep: I fell asleep too early last night, then woke up in the middle of the night and stayed up for hours before going back to sleep. I did not nap though.

Exercise: Hah.

Medical: I’ve been debating calling one of my existing doctors even though they’re not in the same city or on my insurance. I’ll think about this more tomorrow.

Miscellaneous: I only said “God, you’re pathetic, I hate you” to myself once today.

I’m dreading facing the world and work tomorrow.

I don’t want to talk about…I don’t want to talk about anything

I added entries for August.

You know, I never took as much care of myself as I did in the 2-4 weeks following my jaw surgery. I had a routine down that was the perfect balance of pushing myself but not too hard and indulging myself but not too much. My only priority was my own health. It was like I was a baby, and I was taking care of myself. Most of the day centered around getting myself fed. Oh, sure, it was all a variation of putting something in the blender, but I tried a new recipe nearly every day and used only fresh ingredients (none of that Ensure crap for me). This also served the additional purposes of getting dressed and getting out of the house, and getting a little exercise, a little social interaction, and a little mental stimulation. I made sure I took all my medicines and vitamins. I had a few tasks I wanted to do each day, at least one of which was or involved some light exercise, but if I felt too tired to do them and just wanted to watch a movie, that was okay. At least one person a day called to check on me, and sometimes people dropped by. My house was set up with everything I needed for my comfort, with prepped food and juice in case I was too tired to make something, a nice heating pad, a comfy bed with blankets and fluffy pillows so I could prop up my head. I had an office of kindly doctors I could call 24/7 if I had any concerns or questions.

I have never been so well cared for. I thought today that maybe if I replicated my routine that would be helpful. This turned out to be a failure of epic and comical proportions:

  • The idea of food mostly makes me sick. Even if it didn’t, I don’t have groceries in the house. Even if it didn’t, the idea of figuring out what to eat and how to make it and taking a shower and combing my hair and getting dressed and getting myself to the store and finding all the ingredients and bringing them back and putting them all together is overwhelming. I suppose there’s Seamless to get myself to eat something at the bare minimum, but like I said, I don’t really feel like eating in the first place. I did eat dinner today, so gold star for me, but only because I stumbled upon a box of macaroni and cheese in the cupboard and my roommate left some stuff in the fridge that I dumped into it. None of that was very healthy though, so I guess only silver star for me.
  • I’m tired all the time. Mostly I haven’t gotten out of bed all day, but I did get dressed, so gold star for me. I do have a list of tasks that I would have liked to achieve today, and all of them would have been great for my mental health (like get a copy of such and such a book so I have something interesting to read), but so would not fucking being depressed, and they seemed about as achievable as that.
  • I did take my medications and vitamins today. Gold star. Check mark. Easy one. Too bad they don’t actually work anymore. Oh.
  • I don’t have a team of kindly doctors to call for help. I JUST switched my health insurance, so I don’t even have a PCP now. The idea of trying to find a PCP and maybe a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist and figuring out what’s covered and who’s good and who I trust…do you know how long it took me to get all those types of things figured out and lined up for my jaw stuff? It took months. Months of many different visits to many different people.
  • My bed here sucks. I’m still sleeping on an air mattress. I haven’t gotten around to getting a real bed, and that certainly won’t happen now. My room is a mess.
  • Exercise? Forget it. See point above about not getting out of bed.
  • Nobody calls to check on me because nobody knows I’m sick. Well, that’s only half true, someone invited me to go out in Manhattan this evening, but Manhattan may as well have been Mars. And that’s partially because I haven’t told anybody. And because I’d lie even if they asked.  Also, I’d really like 90% of the world – the 90% that doesn’t really really care about me – to leave me alone anyway.

I was talking to someone the other night about how you couldn’t PAY me to be 22 again and that one of the things I liked about being 32 is having some experience under my belt and using that experience to help guide me through difficult times – using it to inform myself about what worked and what didn’t work, but mostly just to reassure myself that it wouldn’t be like this forever. I know I’m in trouble when I start to think I’m going to feel like this forever.

 

If depression is an illness, why do I feel that by relapsing I’m letting everyone down? I don’t think my medication is working anymore. I know I’m in trouble when I don’t want to eat. I’ve been so lucky to have some unthinkably wonderful people come into my life these past two years and help make some amazing things happen for me. And I feel like by not being fantastically happy (I am enormously grateful for these things though), I am disappointing them. After all this time, I think I should have this condition under better control. This shouldn’t be happening. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I do so desperately want to be a happy person, please understand.

I discover that someone has broken a shelf of my refrigerator, right after the carpet cleaner tells me it’s actually just a little bit more than the estimate, just a hundred dollars really, and oh, by the way, did you know that your house was carpeted with the cheapest shit imaginable, and really it’s lucky it’s even lasted this long, let alone hoping it will last much longer than this.

HERE. *gets out wallet, turns it over and starts walking around the yard shaking it, sprinkling money all over the lawn* Everybody just take it. No, I don’t need it. Apparently I wasn’t using it anyway. *manically shakes the wallet long after it’s empty then heaves it over the fence*

*calmly takes a swig of beer and looks over at possum in side yard* At least I have you, Bitey. Bitey? *taps skull with foot; it disintegrates* Bitey, noooooo! I thought you were just sleeping!