I have trouble with pacing when I run, blazing out of the gate, crawling in the middle, then hoofing it to the finish line as gracefully as a crack addict would run to a giant pile of crack. So when I run the Prospect Park loop, which I try to finish in 30 minutes, I hook myself onto someone who’s going at a good pace – not too fast that I’m going to tire out, but not so slow that I won’t finish. Just a good challenging pace. Also, it helps that the person I select is hot and male, and I stare at his ass the whole time.

Well today I couldn’t find anyone like that. But then I saw this woman. This woman. This woman had the most incredible ass I have ever seen. *makes round ass pantomime with hands* Ample and perky in the back, but not too wide across. I couldn’t help but appreciate the perfect dimensions on a strictly intellectual level. I could only imagine that if you hit it *slowly makes slapping motion like a tennis racket hitting a ball motion* it would have that perfect amount of jiggle. Enough to make it fun, but not enough t–where was I going with all of this? Oh right. Beggars can’t be choosers. I think. Or appreciate what you have? Something. *pantomimes ass with hands again and nods*

I ran 4.5 miles yesterday, walked another two, and ate 1200 calories, 2/3 of which consisted of salad. And I’m a pound heavier. I get the whole water weight idea, but it always seems to happen after I’ve been really good and then never come off. And don’t feed me that muscle is denser than fat tripe, because my clothes don’t fit so that’s not it. *grumbles, cranky*

The problem with online dating is that you can tell within the first 60 seconds of meeting someone in person whether you would ever want to see them naked, but it’s not like you can just turn around and walk out. This is why I have started scheduling these at BBQ places. Fellow was pleasant enough, but not my cup of tea, but he wasn’t crazy, and I had brisket so all in all I consider the evening a success. — at Hill Country Barbecue Market BK.