New York, I do not understand why your Mexican food sucks so bad. Pittsburgh is kicking your ass on that front, and there are only like 12 Mexicans living there; whereas I am sitting in my bedroom in New York right now and can hear two separate people rocking out to rancheras.

I excitedly ordered a huitlacoche quesadilla from a joint near my apartment only to find that it was a quesadilla made with canned mushrooms. WTF?

Last Friday morning I go to my usual subway stop when a man catches my eye. He’s hot, and he looks familiar. I stare at him for a moment, trying to place him, when I remember that I’d seen him on the train a few weeks prior, thought he was hot, and spent the whole ride unabashedly staring at him.

I see fear and recognition in his eyes.
OH SHIT. OH SHIT YOU PROBABLY THINK I’M STALKING YOU. I assure you, good sir, this stalking is only coincidental.

*follows him into a car and settles down in a nearby seat for a good eye-ravaging*

But it IS happening. Shhh, just accept it. #justcreepysubwaythings

WTF, brain? You think it’s a good idea to have a 10-minute dream about going on a car ride to buy groceries with someone I worked with in 2002, but the for-once-not-starring-an-inappropriate-person sex dream should be cut off after 60 seconds? I spent a good chunk of the day with you yesterday reading, and this is how you repay me? I even looked up the words we didn’t know in the dictionary for your enrichment. Dick. That’s it, today we’re watching Netflix.

First fire, now flood. My apartment got flooded this morning. I came home this evening to find the place reeking of some formaldehyde-ish chemical from the floor treatment (I have no idea if it’s safe to sleep here.) and a note that I couldn’t use my bathroom. Thanks for telling me in advance so I could make alternate housing arrangements, bitch landlord who earlier in the day when we were cleaning up implied that I would somehow be financially responsible despite the fact that it was some kind of plumbing problem. No way, bitch. I will take you to court for every dime of that deposit if I have to.

I miss my house.